When parents disagree about parenting

It is very common for couples to enter into conflict when the topic is raising children. Interestingly, many of these conflicts do not begin when the couple already has problems in the relationship. They often appear precisely when the need arises to make important decisions about education, limits, values, and discipline.

At first glance, the discussions seem simple: one wants to be stricter, the other more flexible. One believes the child needs more boundaries, while the other believes the child needs more freedom. But in practice, these disagreements are almost never just about the children. Most of the time, they reflect personal histories, family values, and experiences from one’s own childhood.

How childhood influences parenting style

Each person carries with them a model of family learned throughout life.

Some grew up in very strict environments, where rules and discipline were priorities. Others grew up in more flexible homes, where autonomy and dialogue were more valued.

When these two worlds meet within a relationship, it is natural for differences to emerge.

For example:

One partner may believe that setting clear boundaries helps a child develop responsibility. The other may feel that rigid rules suffocate autonomy and prefer a more open approach.

Neither of them is necessarily wrong. The problem arises when these differences turn into competition or the disqualification of the other.

When the conflict stops being about the children

In couples therapy, we often realize that the real problem is not the disagreement about raising children.

The conflict begins to grow when one partner feels that:

• they are not being heard

• their opinions are not respected

• or their decisions are constantly questioned

  
  

When this happens, the discussion about the children begins to represent something bigger: power, recognition, and partnership within the relationship.

The impact on children

Children quickly notice when their parents are not aligned.

When this happens, some difficult dynamics may appear:

• one parent becomes the "strict" one while the other becomes the "nice" one

• the child learns to turn to the more permissive parent

• conflicts happen in front of the children

• one parent undermines the authority of the other

  
  

These situations can create insecurity in the child and increase tension within the family.

The importance of the parental alliance

In family psychology, there is a concept called the coparenting alliance.

This refers to the parents ability to:

• support each other

• respect each other’s decisions

• build agreements about the children’s upbringing

  
  

This alliance does not require parents to think exactly the same way. In fact, differences are normal and can even be healthy. What matters most is that the couple can talk about these differences respectfully and build decisions together.

An important question for reflection

“What in your own childhood influences the way you want to raise your children?”

This reflection helps partners better understand their own motivations and see each other with more empathy.

Because, deep down, most parents are trying to do the best they can with the tools they received throughout life. And often, the real work is not deciding who is right - it is learning how to work as a team.