Why is it so difficult to deal with criticism?

Dealing with criticism is one of the most universal emotional challenges - regardless of age, personality, or context.

For many people, especially those who are very dedicated, perfectionistic, responsible, and used to doing everything “the right way,” receiving criticism can feel like a threat to their personal worth. It's not about the criticism itself, but about what it means internally.

Why does criticism hurt so much?

In Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT), we understand that the way we interpret a criticism is what defines our reaction. Some common interpretations include:

• “If someone is criticizing me, it’s because I failed.”

• “If I failed, it means I’m not good enough.”

  
  

These thoughts activate intense emotional responses: shame, irritation, defensiveness, and a sense of injustice.

When criticism becomes a threat to the self

People who hold high standards - for themselves and for their relationships - tend to develop a rigid self-concept: being good, efficient, reliable. A criticism, then, isn’t just information; it feels like someone is saying:“You are not who you think you are.”

This threat to the self fuels:

• defensive impulses

• the need to justify yourself

• difficulty hearing the other person’s intention

• a tendency to see criticism as an personal attack

  
  

How to work on this in practice

Working with criticism does not mean learning to “swallow” or “accept” everything. It means learning to differentiate three important points:

1. The fact

2. Your interpretation

3. The personal meaning you attach to that criticism

   
   

Useful CBT questions include:

• “What evidence is there that this criticism defines who you are as a person?”

• “If someone else received the same criticism, would you interpret it the same way?”

• “Is there any alternative between ‘right’ and ‘wrong,’ beyond perfection or total failure?”

• “In this situation, what feels more threatening: the content of the criticism or the idea of disappointing someone?”

  
  

This process helps transform criticism from a “threat to the self” into “information about a behavior.”

Healthy Criticism vs. Destructive Criticism

Not every criticism is valid - but almost every criticism contains at least some useful data, even if minimal. The skill lies in filtering, not absorbing everything.

Ask yourself:

• “What part of this criticism can help me grow?”

• “What belongs to the other person, not to me?”

• “How can I listen without losing myself?”

  
  

When we learn to regulate the impact of criticism…

…we grow emotionally, increase our cognitive flexibility, and strengthen our relationships. Receiving feedback stops being a threat and becomes an opportunity to refine behaviors, improve communication, and reinforce connection.