Why do we keep getting stuck in the same patterns?
- Suellen Dias
- Jun 23
- 3 min read
As a psychologist, there is one thing I notice almost every day in therapy:
Most people are not suffering because they lack intelligence, motivation, or good intentions.
They are suffering because they keep acting according to beliefs they don't even realize they have.
For example, imagine someone who desperately wants a new job.
They spend hours looking at job openings.
They talk about wanting a change.
They imagine what life would be like in a different role.
But when the opportunity finally appears, they don't apply.
The explanation usually sounds reasonable:
"I'm probably not qualified enough."
"They'll choose someone better."
"I don't have enough experience."
At first glance, it seems like a lack of confidence.
But underneath that hesitation, there is often something deeper:
A BELIEF.
And beliefs are powerful because they don't simply influence how we think.
They influence what we do.
The invisible rules we live by
In Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), we understand that many emotional struggles are connected to deeply held beliefs about ourselves.
These beliefs often develop through life experiences and become so familiar that they feel like facts.
Three of the most common are:
"I am not lovable." (Unlovability)
People who carry this belief often fear abandonment, rejection, or disapproval.
Because of that, they may avoid conflict, struggle to set boundaries, or constantly put other people's needs before their own.
Imagine someone who is hurt by their partner's behavior but never speaks up.
Not because the issue isn't important.
But because somewhere inside, they fear that expressing their needs could threaten the relationship.
Ironically, by staying silent, they reinforce the belief that their needs don't matter.
"I am not good enough." (Worthlessness)
This belief often hides behind perfectionism, self-criticism, and fear of failure.
A person may avoid applying for a promotion, starting a project, or pursuing a dream because they assume they will fail.
The tragedy is that they never gather evidence that challenges the belief.
They don't fail.
But they don't grow either.
And every missed opportunity becomes another piece of evidence supporting the idea that they were never capable in the first place.
"I can't handle life." (Helplessness)
People with this belief often underestimate their ability to cope with challenges.
They may rely heavily on others to make decisions, avoid taking risks, or stay in situations that no longer serve them because change feels overwhelming.
Imagine someone who spends years thinking about changing careers.
They research endlessly.
They ask for advice.
They wait until they feel ready.
But they never take the first step.
Not because they lack potential.
Because they are convinced they won't be able to manage what comes next.
Why these beliefs are so difficult to change
Here's the fascinating part:
Most beliefs survive not because they are true.
They survive because our behavior protects them.
If you believe you will be rejected and never approach people, you'll never discover whether that belief is accurate.
If you believe you're incapable and avoid challenges, you'll never discover what you're actually capable of.
If you believe you're unlovable and hide your needs, you'll never experience what happens when you express them openly.
Without realizing it, we often spend years collecting evidence for our beliefs while avoiding experiences that could disprove them.
The good news
Beliefs can change.
But rarely through positive thinking alone.
Most of the time, change begins when we are willing to act differently.
When we take a small risk.
When we set a boundary.
When we apply for the job.
When we have the difficult conversation.
Because sometimes the only way to discover that a belief is wrong is to stop obeying it.
And that is one of the most meaningful parts of therapy:
Not convincing people that they are capable, lovable, or worthy.
Helping them gather their own evidence that they are.
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